When Practice Doesn't Make Perfect
by aretsuna
Summary: The first and last (and some more) time Jemma Simmons lied to herself about Leopold Fitz. Written as a part of Fitzsimmons Appreciation Week (Day 3 prompt: firsts/lasts).


The first time Simmons lied to herself about Leopold Fitz was back at the Academy when they were both still young and socially awkward. It seemed trivial back then, like no big deal, nothing worth attention. There was a guy, sweet face, bright hair, sky blue eyes, as brilliant and young as her. For a moment she believed that she finally found someone who would be able to understand, who was not only her age but as smart as her and could keep up with her science talk. There was this tiny light of hope sparkling in her, whispering that maybe after a few casual talks about science they could have reached an even deeper understanding. She decided that even though she hated coffee, she wouldn't mind grabbing some if he was the one inviting. Simmons thought a lot of things for a few blissful weeks, but then all the evidence was clearly indicating one conclusion: Leopold Fitz hated her and could barely stand being in the same room as her. So, she she lied to herself that it was nothing meaningful for her, convinced herself that it's nothing to be sad about, _sometimes people dislike each other, and apparently her silly tiny crush was completely misplaced so she should focus on more important things._

That lie was just the first of many about Leopold Fitz that Jemma Simmons told herself over the course of years.

She lied to herself that her hands were not shaking because of excitement mixed with anxiety when she was slowly walking closer to the table in chem lab, the one she was supposed to share with the best and youngest engineer in the Academy. _It was just a small deprivation of magnesium,_ she told herself, wondering and having no idea how that could have happened.

She lied to herself about Fitz when she told that tall, muscled ops cadet that _there's absolutely nothing between them, just friends and lab partners and she'd love to go on a date, sure, why not,_ all the while repeating to herself that moderate intelligence and a symmetrical face are all she wants and needs.

She lied to both herself and Fitz when she told him that he looked ridiculous in that light blue shirt he wanted to wear for his date with some girl. She lied to herself when she pretended she had no idea what that girl's name was, what she was studying and what marks she got on her previous tests, and how weak they looked compared to hers and _seriously Fitz could have done so much better than settling for this._ She lied to herself that she was not interested in Fitz's love life at all, just a friend helping another friend.

She lied out loud when she told him she would join this top secret mobile unit, level-seven-access only, and leave Sci-Ops, even if he decided to stay. This one was the least convincing of all.

Considering how many lies she had told by then, it was surprising that Sitwell hadn't believed her. She should be an expert after all that practice.

The first time she lied to Fitz, her hands were trembling so much she had no idea how he didn't notice. Years later she understood that he did, he just chose not to push when she clearly wasn't ready to tell him something. On long, sleepless nights in an apartment that belonged to her but wasn't hers, surrounded by enemies she had to be friendly with, she promised herself that it had been the last time she lied to him, no matter what. Nothing was worth betraying him.

The first time he lied to her, she couldn't understand it at all, so she did what she used to do, what she always did when things with Fitz were getting complicated and tangled with possibilities, making her feelings twist in uncertainty - she lied to herself about him. Simmons lied to herself that it was all about science and faking results. She lied to herself that it was all about Skye and Trip, not about Fitzsimmons. She lied to herself that it had nothing to do with any of her previous lies.

The first time Simmons lied about Fitz to people around her, she was staring at his eyes, begging him to see the truth and understand. She was saying things that technically were lies, the truth hidden between the lines and her accent, subtle movements and steady hands. Unrecognisable to anyone but him.

She lied to herself again very soon, when she was neatly wrapping and tying, telling herself that it was not a big deal, _just a tiny bit of a sandwich, the least she could do for Fitz after sending him right into danger._ She lied to herself that it didn't mean that much and everything would surely turn out all right in the end.

The last time she lied to herself about him was just after she heard that Coulson was taking him along to stop this Inhuman guy. She told herself that she was not worried and _of course everything will be fine and she doesn't need to go to Fitz and tell him to be safe or to take enough weapons with him or to just forget all about this stupid job and just stay here with her, safe and sound._ She reminded herself over and over, that _this was the reality of agents and they all agreed to this type of life, and Fitz was the smartest and bravest person she knew and he would handle it perfectly well, they should both simply focus on doing their work properly and everything will turn out just fine._ She lied to herself that just fine was enough and went to do her job and look after Bobbi.

Then Simmons saw Hunter and the woman he loved, both of them clearly shaken and hurt, but there was something else about them, something that made her stare at them for a second and then she couldn't hold her lies any longer. The burning need to _go_ filled her, screaming to run and spill the truth out, right that second, before she suffocated with all of the things hidden, untold and misunderstood.

Simmons stopped lying to herself then and instead went to see Fitz. She tried to tell him the truth but after all this time, it was too hard to articulate, there were simply too many things to say for words to contain. She tried starting with simple ones, things that should be so obvious that even Fitz should have noticed them by now, hoping that this way she would be ready to say the big words in a minute. But they didn't have a minute and she had to tell him now, ready or not, because now there were no more lies in her head, no more illusions about everything somehow working out just fine in the end, and the truth was that _he was going right into danger and he could never come back to her, she might never see him again and he wouldn't know and that was unacceptable._ And so she tried to push as much meaning in simple words as she could, hoping he would understand after all.

"Maybe there is," she said, feeling how the truth was pushing away all the lies that for years were separating them, making a place for trust and understanding on which love would be able to come into bloom.

* * *

 **A/N:**

Huge thanks to my betas: TheLateNightStoryTeller and amandajbruce for all their help and advices!


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